5 Little Piggies- Racing and Eating For a Good Cause 2/9/13

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I got the invite. Would Les Femmes like to participate in a fund raiser race for Mat Barton? For those of you that don’t know, Mat is a fellow racer, paralyzed in an accident during a race last year (see Ride Big, Give Big post 7/5/2012) .

Welcome to the Cake Race!

Welcome to the Cake Race!

Of course we would like to participate in the 5 person team representing Team S&M, but the invite from the Grundel Bruisers team came with a catch: You must eat cake. And a lot of it. With a team of many gluten free ladies and a few also out of town, Mary and I stepped forward.

Patrick, Mielle, Mary, Dave and Lee

Patrick, Mielle, Mary, Dave and Lee

We were joined by  Team S&M guys Lee S. and Patrick Croasdaile. My friend Dave Condon from Trusty Switchblade volunteered to be our final guy. Les Femmes teammate Erin Playman ended up joining with Jens Voight Army at the last minute.

The rules of this race are simple. 5 stops, 5 cakes, 25 miles of racing. Puking will happen, it’s just a matter of when. $10 fee per person but all money would go to Mat’s recovery fund.

Bribes for a good cause

Bribes for a good cause

I had heard a rumor that “bribes” might be taken to get us out of eating cake so I went to work with my team to encourage fund raising efforts in the weeks leading up to the race.

Race day and we put our money together at our starting point, Crank bike shop (2725 Se Ash). Sellwood Cycle Repair donated $50 to cover our race fees(thanks Pace).  On top of that, Team S&M raised $350.00 for a grand total of $400. That is a lot of scratch to bribe with(all money used as bribes goes to Mat anyway). Our hosting team announces some other rules to the shop filled with racers. Your team has to consume 32 oz. of chocolate milk along with your cake and everyone has to consume a cake/milk before they leave for the next stop. You can also add a penalty to another team for $5.00 like adding another glass of chocolate milk. 12 teams selected their 1st decorated cake (I chose the boob cake because who doesn’t love boobs).

Everyone loves boobs

Everyone loves boobs

Judges were ready to make sure your cake/milk were finished and swallowed before being allowed to leave each stop.

GO! We ate the vanilla cake so fast we were the first ones out the door but had company from the two other teams.

1st cake was the sweetest

1st cake was the sweetest

2nd stop was, Western Bike Works (1015 NW 17th). We were riding the wrong way down Burnside doing some seriously sketchy riding to keep  to other teams from getting a gap on us. Weaving through downtown we arrive at the first stop. The guys grab a cake and other teams are hacking away at red and yellow cakes. I ran over to one of the judges and showed him $100. “Chip, would this buy us out of eating and drinking?”  “Yes, I think it would” he responded. And off we went. The pissed and confused looks on the other riders faces was priceless! They had no idea what just happened.

Trusty Switchblade on our tails

Trusty Switchblade on our tails

Mary led us out of downtown to the next stop which required a long steady climb up Terwilliger. Glad we only ate one cake so far. Weather goes from cold to cold and wet when the misty rain arrives as we ascend. We have to ride about 6 miles to stop #3, home to one of the Grundel Bruiser team members. Thank goodness we had a smart phone for directions because I wouldn’t have found this guys house. “How much to buy us out?” I ask. I shoot low with $40. Not enough. $60? We agree on $50 and we have to drink the chocolate milk. Done. We are in the lead. Heading back down the way we came we see two other teams on their way to the house so we know we have to push hard to the next stop. Once we descend Taylors Ferry to Macadam, the wet lets up.

Cake#1 DONE!

Cake#1 DONE!

Stop #4 is Sellwood Cycle Repair (7953 Se 13th). The shop guys came out to watch and take pictures. BUT, the other teams have caught wind of our little scheme and have called ahead. On top of our cake is a pile of stinky sauerkraut. YUCK!  The smell alone was enough to make anyone want to hurl.  We ate our second cake in a big hurry, kraut and all. But before we left, we asked how much to double penalize the two teams behind us. $20 bought double helpings of kraut to top the cakes. And they have chocolate milk to help wash it down. MMMMMMmmmm.  We know we have a gap.

Time Trialing to stop #5

Time Trialing to stop #5

Springwater trail will take us on a straight shot to north Portland, about a 7 mile trip from Sellwood to our final destination, PROST  pub (4237 N Missippi).  Dave commented that he had “snoshting” on his face. A combo of cold weather runny nose and sticky cake frosting mushed together. Patrick wanted to time trial this so he got in front and led us at 24 mph all the way on Springwater.

We arrived at Prost on the back patio with about a 40 min lead on the other teams. Yeay! But they were all so pissed that they ALL called ahead with donations to buy penalties for us.

Trying to finish the last cake

Trying to finish the last cake

Two cakes were waiting AND a boot of beer. That’s right, a giant boot of beer. And you can’t set it down or let it touch the table or you lose. I still had $180.00 to bargain with. So I bought us out of eating the 2nd cake and, paid for it to go to the team fighting for 2nd place. Money well spent. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.  We all hit cake number 3 for the day  but Patrick went off to puke in the garbage can in between the surrounding food carts. Mary and I kept at the cake and Lee and Dave worked on the beer. Dave disappeared a few times to purge ALL of his systems. I did my best to keep the cake down but the homemade vanilla cake was dry and frosting thick and so sweet. Rolling the cake around in my mouth making a slurry of red frosting and cake, it became very difficult to swallow.

Big Boot of Beer

Big Boot of Beer

A garbage can was placed next to us, just in case. Mary pitched in on the beer and slowly we churned away at the cake. Trusty Switchblade arrived to find 2 cakes waiting for them. They were not happy. “I already have puke on my shoes” remarks one of their teammates.  In the end, we were able to finish all of the beer, 32 oz. of chocolate milk, the last frosting hunks and crumbs in the box to win the day. Other teams were still arriving and fighting for the 2nd and 3rd place trophies.

Piggy trophy for the 5 little piggys

Piggy trophy for the 5 little piggies

A fitting award for the day is the golden piggy trophy, to be displayed at Sellwood Cycle Repair until 2014. Oh,  Lee and I did not puke, and Mary made it home but hurled once she got there. Three times.

There was another team, that shall remain nameless that opted to be a no show, rather than arrive at the race without the required two ladies. They had been warned in advance of penalties. The ‘no show’ penalties were delivered with a message.

Penalty for no show

Penalty for no show

Over $1400.00 was raised with money still coming in from teams that wanted to donate more.

As the winners, Team S&M will host the event next year and determine what the racers will eat and what the route is. The race in 2012 was pancakes and the 1st race was beer and pizza. Lee is known for providing the annual Sellwood Thanksgiving ride with amazing brisket. He would like to call it:

Team S&M-EAT OUR MEAT Race

Nothing decided yet. We have a whole year to dream up ways to make suffering look fun.

Special thanks to Grundel Bruisers for putting on a great race and to all of the stops on our route for supporting this great cause. Thank you to Dave’s wife Robin Straughan for some of the photos. 

You can help out Mat and his wife Jessica by donating at BartonPDX.com and follow his recovery journal at CaringBridge.org.
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One Response to 5 Little Piggies- Racing and Eating For a Good Cause 2/9/13

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